As I sit here reading "The Martian" I'm just about finished and the climax was so intense I was rocking with excitement. And once I'd equalized enough to pause, I thought of a thread on FB.
I am autistic. Unapologetically, unabashedly, completely open and honest about it. I stim when and where I need to and no longer care what other people think when I stim, or when the only voice they hear is my AAC speaking when I press buttons for prepared statements, or sentences I write one finger at a time and press play.
I don't use autism as an excuse for being different, not like them, I mention it as an explanation when I work on either understanding something, or choosing not to participate in a group activity.
Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or stop what they are doing to find connective language that works. I politely sit out what is going on so the group can keep having fun and I watch and soak up the joy and happiness, participating in a way that best works for all of us.
I'm a person, I feel, have needs, love, laugh, and willingly spend time with other people as best I'm able, when I'm able. I'm an autistic woman yes, but I do my best to make it work as well for me as I can when I can.
I'm not a functioning level. I'm not defined by my ability, or lack there of, to speak with my mouth like neurotypicals. Sometimes I do not do things, do not go places, even cannot. But I focus on what I CAN DO when I can do it, and I am constantly growing. Constantly finding new and better ways to use my time, effort, energy and more. Yes, I watch my spoons, yes I work hard to avoid meltdowns and shutdowns and all the stuff that goes into them.
I'm constantly learning, and I have autistic pride. Because when I was a child my daily fight was to avoid being institutionalized, and I'm not ashamed to admit that anymore, or all the crap I went through to get here. I'm pretty pleased and blessed by friends and family that love me just as I am, whether I use an AAC to speak or my mouth. They still love me. If I stim in public (I do often) they don't try to silence me, they just ask if I want to keep doing whatever we are doing, take a break, or even stop and do something else.
I belong right here. I'm not an alien, I'm an autistic woman, and I accept myself. Other people do too. I'm loved and love others. This is my life, my world, my experience, my communications, are things different? Sure, but that's okay. I wouldn't have my life any other way, and I can say that after trying so hard, for so long to pass as nuerotypical that I hit life threatening / life ending burnout and autistic regression over a decade ago. I lost a bunch of "functioning" then that I had worked hard to gain. But again it doesn't make me less than, just different. Most of the time I'm lucky, really lucky, if I can "pass" as HF/ASPIE. And yeah, it's kind of something I aspire too, but it's not the end of the world when or if I cannot. I'm me, and always working on being the best me I can at any given moment. Autism and all.
Thank you so much for writing this. Last year, my decades of attempting to force myself to appear neurotypical finally exploded in a giant nervous breakdown, where I regressed right back to how I was as a child, non-speaking, self-injuring, sensory meltdowns non-stop. It's been a long year trying to regain my sense of self, this time trying to love my autistic self and embrace it rather than smother it and apologise for it. Your story gives me hope, knowing you went through something similar and have come out the other side with such wonderful self-love and autistic pride. It brought tears to my eyes to read. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh Ella, I'm so glad my words helped you. I really guess I need to put together more, and cover some of that back story. When I hit regression, and being non-verbal again, I was terrified. I didn't know then I was autistic, I didn't know what non-verbal autism was, and I really freaked out.
DeleteMy therapist at the time, and my pyschiatrist had no idea. So sessions were conducted with me writing, or signing as I taught myself more sign lsnguage. To have these professionals in my life that had no idea just scared me more.
So yes, it's been a long and amaxing decade and then some, and I'm glad my words touched you. Thank you for your note, snd know that you are not alone.
Sami
This story is truly inspirational. Thank you so much for sharing. Your story of self-acceptance helps me to accept myself a little bit more too. So thank you very much =)
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome Lisa, I'm glad I could help. Accepting yourself is a power, a gift, that we give ourselves that no one can take away from us. It is so worth working toward!
DeleteYou are most welcome Lisa, I'm glad I could help. Accepting yourself is a power, a gift, that we give ourselves that no one can take away from us. It is so worth working toward!
DeleteENTP. ChlorSan. Autistic.
ReplyDeleteEach of these defines me. I am the sum of my parts and how they interact.