Things I have learned...

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm changing doctors (not by choice). My autism doctor gave me plenty of warning, and worked hard with me in the last extra sessions we had together to make this change as smooth as possible, and to address my fears.  One of the documents we worked on together helped me put into focus how much we accomplished, how much I accomplished, in the years she and I have been working together. I'm going to share it here because she's proud of me, and I'm thrilled with the work we've done together and how much she has helped me heal and grow. So here without further ado is "What I Have Learned."

"What I Have Learned"

Samantha Shanti Âû

I am not broken.

I am not inhuman.

I am not mentally retarded.

I am autistic, and that just means I am a little different.

I've learned how to ride the bus.

I've learned that I can face challenges and succeed, such as traveling to collect the content of my storage locker after years.

I've learned to give myself permission to take the time I need to figure things out.

I have learned to give myself permission to ask people what they are talking about in order to find ways to understand them.

I've learned that some people just can't run, and that is okay.

I've learned it is possible to be happy for someone and terrified at the same time, and that having mixed feelings does not make me strange or bad.

I've learned to see meltdowns coming and how to stop them or avoid them using skills.

I've learned that it is okay to flap.

I've learned it is okay to rock.

I've learned it is okay to make "strange" noises and that they are not really strange because they serve a purpose for me.

I've learned that I still don't totally know what "autistic" means for me, but I can keep learning as I go.

I've learned that they are not going to lock me up for flapping.

I've learned that when my head start to get crunchy it is time to start taking care of myself to prevent meltdowns.

I have learned that sometimes avoidance is the best option/is okay because there are some things I cannot safely do (like avoiding looking at flashing lights to prevent migraines).

I have learned that I am really lucky and blessed by the relationships I have and that I need to do my best to honor those relationships.

I have learned that healthy boundaries with others are not only good, but they can be essential and life saving.

I have learned that I can choose the people in my life.

I have learned that the unknown is vast, but that I can handle one thing at a time.

I have learned that I do not always need to know what that trauma was that caused me a lifetime of pain in order to be free of it.

I have learned that it is okay to leave the house when I cannot speak.

I have learned that is is okay to interact with the world when I cannot speak.

I have learned that it is okay to use an AAC to communicate with the world.

I have learned that being mute scares me way more than being nonverbal does.

I have learned that I can find my way, with help, to doing things I never could before.

I have learned that it is okay to flap openly in public.

I have learned that it is okay to use my AAC with family.

I have learned that it is okay to accept and release trauma without remembering where it came from.

I have learned that it is okay to have wants, needs, and desires. And work to have them met.

I have learned that as hard as it is and can be, that it is okay to process at a speed that works for me.

I have learn that where my limits are is okay.

I have learned it is okay to be afraid.

I have learned that I am the cause of my own  evolution.

I have learned that I have good people in my life now because I have persevered and continued to keep on living even when things have been tough; and so I have made my way to the good people by never giving up.

I have learned it is okay to be me. 

And it just dawned on me as I transcribed this document into this post, that it is a list of powerful affirmations.  These are the highlights of years of working with my doctor, a doctor who has worked with me on both my trauma issues, and my autism that caused so much of my trauma.